I was 17, a child, a non-believer. I had a boyfriend that I thought I was very much in love with. We were sexually active. We were always responsible and used protection. Oh I can remember that moment so clearly, the day that the condom broke. My world as I knew it was about to change. Weeks went by and the time my period was suppose to come was getting close. I began to worry even more. Pretty soon I was a week late and I knew it was time to take a test. It was....positive!!! "What am I going to do? I can't tell my mom and dad!!!" I am the 3rd daughter out of 4 and I always felt like I had to be the good girl, the one that learned from the older sisters kind of thing. I was pregnant..how could I let this happen? About a week later my boyfriend and I went to the clinic to have an official test done. It too was positive. I was SO scared. I remember telling the doctor there that I couldn't have this baby. I could never tell my parents and without an, are you sure or giving me my options she sent me to the front desk where they gave me the number of the abortion clinic. I felt like I had to do this as quickly as I could and put it all behind me. So we leave with number in hand and go home. I wait until my mom is at work the next day and I call the clinic to make an appointment to terminate my pregnancy. It's kinda a blur as to how long we had to wait. The day finally came...the day I would end this fear and forget and move on and mom and dad would never know. We pull up to the entry of the parking lot and I remember the people with the large signs out front with the dreaded pictures of the product of abortion. Little did I know then but I know that was God trying to stop me. My heart was aching at the sight of those pictures. I remember putting my head down so those women standing there would not see my face. Haven't even done it yet and already shameful. Little did I know the shame that would come after. We went in and I filled out the papers and my boyfriend payed the $300.00. We sit there and wait...then the moment comes that they call my name for me to come back. I freeze, I want to run, I want to wake up from this nightmare. I finally stand after they call my name a couple of times. The room was big and open and just screens separate me from all the other girls. I hear screams I want to run, but I can't. They lay me on a cold metal table and begin to do a sonogram, I try to look and they turn it away. They don't want you to see that there is a baby in there. They want you to continue to believe that it is just a blob of nothing and me being a non-believer I buy the lie. I am put to sleep, and before I know it I am in another room with a lot of beds and other girls, yet I feel so alone. They send you off with some pills and tell you to come back for a check up to make sure nothing was left behind. Are you kidding me? I am not coming back!!! I wished I had never came to begin with. We left and went to a park and stayed there for hours. I am recovering from ending my babies life in a park. Finally my boyfriend takes me home and I am able to hide the bleeding from mom for however long that lasted. Then I moved on....not really. But I had to right. I suppressed all these feelings for so long. I never told anyone. My boyfriend and I never talked about it again...it was over, right?? We eventually split up and I continued on with my life. Fast forward 15 years later, I am married with 2 kids sitting in Church on Sanctity of Life weekend. I didn't even know what Sanctity of Life weekend was. WELL...I would soon find out. Our Pastor began to preach about abortion right there in the Church. I didn't even think you could say the word in church and here he is preaching about it. He is using words that I would rather not hear. Murder, sucking your baby out of your body, and many other things it was kind of a blur. I just remember feeling stuck! Nowhere to go because if I get up and walk out I just knew everyone would know. Crying but not as hard as I wanted to because if I cry too hard everyone would know. Then they played a video of some women that had gone through a post abortion bible study at our Church. Much to my surprise these women were normal, not dirty, not filth and everything they were saying is what I had been feeling for 15 years. They were getting ready to start a bible study and God was telling me I needed to be there. But how could I? I would have to admit to someone other that myself what I did. So I left church that day and thought I would just get past it. Oh boy did God have another plan for me. God was dropping abortion in every path I could take. On the shows that I watched there were people talking about and having abortion. On the radio they had talk shows about yep you guessed it, abortion. In the magazines I read, abortion. I couldn't hide, God wanted me to finally deal with what I had done and he was letting me know loud and clear. So I made the phone call. It was a machine. How could I tell this machine what I did? So I didn't. I went to my computer and I typed it and sent an email. That same very night I get a phone call from the sweetest voice I had ever heard. It was Chrissy, the leader of the bible study. We talked for along time in between tears. It was a little of a relief, then she says she wants to meet with me. Oh no what am I gonna do?? I say OK but in the next couple of days I can remember all the excuses I was coming up with why I couldn't go. But I did, I met them in the middle of a Starbucks. They were sweet and tender. We talked a little and they told me where our first meeting would be and then I waited a few weeks. OK the day is here...oh how the enemy was working the weeks leading up to the first class, but with the Lord by my side I made it through. I didn't let the devil talk me out of it. A friend drove me to my first class, we were late, but I made it. I wanted to puke and run away, but I couldn't. I finally knew the Lord and this is where He wanted me to be. There were 5 of us in the class and 2 leaders that also had abortions. I was scared but at the same time at some sort of peace because I knew these 6 other souls in this room knew exactly what I was feeling. I had to come back for 6 more weeks and every week it was hard to go. It was deep. I learned how much that God really loved me even though I committed this horrific sin. I learned what lies the abortion industries feed the world. LIES, LIES, LIES. Abortions are horrible. The doctors don't tell you exactly how an abortion is performed. If they did believe me they would not be performing as many. They will not even show you a sonogram of your baby because if you saw it's heart beating you wouldn't buy their lies that there is just a blob of nothing in your belly. You would know that you had a baby in there. I learned that the day I asked God to forgive me for what I had done, He forgave me. At that very second He forgave me. It took me a little longer to accept His forgiveness. By the end of the study I did. I was different person. I no longer cringed every time some said the word abortion. I could actually say the word abortion. I no longer felt like a spotlight shone on me every time someone talked about abortions. I no longer wore those chains of shame and regret. I no longer carried those burdens of what if they find out. I was able to tell my mom and all my sisters and I since then have shared my story with so many. I had freedom and redemption. I had a new outlook. No longer was I going to let the devil hold me down. I was going to shine for Jesus. I was going to give into Him and He now use these dark days of my life to be glorified. To show the devil and everyone else that no sin can not hold me down when I have the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior. The Lord healed my wounds, but he left the scar so I would never forget.
This is a perfect song that reminds me of where I have been. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLnKj9Bwlec
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